Story of my life

Once i heard in Bambino, one who has no focus in what they are doing now, in present, has no rights to say anything related to their future, meaning their dreams. So now even i'm in really painful time, Allah knows best how i feel at this time, i still think that i dont have the rights to say anything about my hope to him, or what i really feel about him. I still didn't focus to my work, im going to be a teacher and still i have not the quality to be the best teacher indeed. That's why now i need to regain my strength, and do whatever i can in my power to focus on my work, my task and anything that enables me to be a good teacher. Furthermore im partially bonded to someone, and i cant break my sweet promises to him (another him) in about 5 more months. Aaah!!!! i just need to shout and shout until the death comes upon me and take my life now. I dont regret at all on what has happened to me for the past few months from last year until now, cause i feel really happy with him. No such word can tell how i like him to be my something ( u know what i meant), i dont know everytime i think of the idea of getting away from him, i would feel really sad. I have a question that really triggers my mind, what really happens in my future? And maybe i still have a future with him someday maybe 20 years later or something like that. Is this feelings real? Do i really honest when i say i really want him to be the one i would cherish for the rest of my life? And do Allah grant me something special that i dont know the good of it until i know it? Or maybe He want to test me with something then to see how well i can take it as a faithful human being? I dont know, it would all left with question marks in my head.
Now im making a really serious decision about life, whether i go on contacting him or not. I had lied to him that i want him to be my brother, when in other words i want him to stay close to me. But thats the only way i had at this time. Or maybe i dont contact him at all and left everything unsettled like that. By this way he still put me in his list and continues to pray for me in his dua'.
And for the sake of the man that loves me so much, i really thankful to God cause he loves me so much and wants to make me his wife. I think it happens so fast that i couldnt have time to breathe at all. Once i prayed, if one is destined to be my husband, then the path would be so clear and it runs so smooth that nobody can stop it. Well now it happens, really happens to me. I guess this is what they call fate, you cant stop it, its not even in my power to control my life as it is. At first i really rejects the idea of him wanna come into my life. But later i dont know why Allah has softened my heart to accept him as the way he is. Seems weird but it is real. I've rejected him twice, and still he got the courage to ask me for the last time where i dont have the hearts to say no. i shud give him a chance to love, and i should give myself a chance to be loved. Soon i wud become his wife and got to do everything a good wife should do. Well it's not so hard to do that, aint it?
If you read this one day, as you had wished long before, you will always stay in my heart until this heart stops its beat. And i know you'll find a gud lady one day, really good that soon you will forget me like you never meet me before. Thanks for everything, you taught me so much the meaning of being myself. Even you like to boast as i said it, perasan hehe, but i know u mean nothing at all, even tho you hurt me a lot, i still think its not ur fault, and its me who didnt understand u, maybe im being to sensitive abt it, yeah my heart is like the ice, easy to melt even in the fridge hehe. But tho u hurt me, u dont forget to say sorry and admit ur mistakes, which i really like it and it made me feel guilty instead. Funny aint it, but you have changed me as i view the world. Even you asked me to be redha wit wat happen and make the best of my deen, and see im doing what you asked me to do so. Hope u feel happy wit wat i 've done to keep my deen safe and secure.
You 've asked me many tymes wat are the reasons i fall for u. hmm really love is somethg gifted from Allah to me, and we were destined to meet this way and end it this way. I said before i really hope one wud show me the right way to be a gud muslimah, and i think u are the one who can do that. But as we plan, Allah plans too and His plans are certainly much much better than ours.
Last but not least, i considered this is more or less a letter that wud be the first and the last i wrote it to u. cause now u know my position in this matter, and u can take my name from ur list now. I never regret we have met this way, thanks a lot for ur advise and everything u've done, as u said guess we are not meant to be now, in the future as well maybe. So honestly even tho we cant be that way, i hope we can be frens or u can be my brother as i wished last tyme. I really mean it, and if i get married one day, hope u will be coming cause u can give the gift that u promise hehe. (im joking). Thats all until now, if u dont want to contact me later after this, i rather think that is ur rights to do so, after all i wud be nobody to u , till then .......meet you again, jazakumullah...